The REAL 2018 NBA Playoffs

When I was kid I would, like many kids with active imaginations, constantly imagine scenarios where different characters from books or movies I enjoyed would fight each other for my own entertainment. Not only was it fun to imagine these battles, it also took a great deal of creativity because it’s hard to make a jedi fight characters from Redwall and make it a fair fight.

As I got older, my interest in these battles never changed, but my interest in sports increased. The next logical step manifested and now I imagine different sports teams fighting. Not in their respective sports, because boring, but as their names. Some artists even make renderings of these. For example, the official Minnesota Vikings Facebook page posts a drawing of a Viking battling a bear, lion, cheesehead, or whomever they are playing that week.

I took that concept and made the 2018 NBA playoffs much better. In fact, in many ways, all of which are right, this bracket depicts the true 2018 NBA champions.

The bracket started the same as it did in the real world, I did not touch the seeding at all. (See below)

Eastern Conference

Toronto Raptors v. Washington Wizards: It’s really disappointing that this match up happened in the first round. The Raptors would beat most teams in the NBA because raptors are vicious predators, relying on pack warfare and, well, claws. If the Raptors were facing a team like the Bulls, Hawks, or Hornets, this would be an easy call. Unfortunately for our recently feathered friends, they cannot hold up to the magic might of the Wizards. Wizards are too adept at not letting anything touch them. Take a wizard from any world you want and they will be able to do massive amounts of damage to the raptors from far away. The way this goes down is the wizards make copies of themselves, the raptors attack the copies, and then the REAL wizards pop up and cast fireballs on the raptors. Done. Washington advances.

Cleveland Cavilers v. Indiana Pacers: So boring. Cavaliers are old English nobles, specifically noted for their specific fashion. Pacers represent the pace cars used to race in the Indy 500. Both boring. But I guess the car runs over the old dude or something. Indiana advances.

Philadelphia 76ers v. Miami Heat: Philadelphia is my wife’s favorite basketball team because she doesn’t really care about sports but she is a historian and respects the name. Moreover, she is left handed and one of the alternate logos for Philadelphia is Benjamin Franklin dribbling a basketball left handed. The Heat have a classic logo and great colors. However, this exercise doesn’t care about any of that. What this exercise does care about is the fact that the founders of this country, in 1776, survived heat all of the time. They didn’t have AC but still they founded this great nation. (Some assembly required.) This battle has already happened in the summer of 1776. Philadelphia advances.

Boston Celtics v. Milwaukee Bucks: Boston, fortunately, has the only team in the playoffs named after a group of people; the Irish. Luckily, I am Irish, so I can talk about them here. It was hard at first to figure out how a group of people tied together by just their heritage could fight a group of male deer. But then it hit me. The Irish immigrated to Wisconsin in droves in the late 19th century. In fact, Wisoncsinhistory.org states that “Nearly 4.5 million Irish settled in the United States between 1830 and 1920” During the 9 day gun season for hunting deer in Wisconsin, in 2017, 202,860 deer were killed. Even if we only look at crossbow hunting, that number is 47,228. Don’t be surprised when I tell you the amount of Irish people deer have killed in Wisconsin EVER is smaller than that. The Celtics quickly hunt down the Bucks. Boston advances.

The bracket then lines up as follows...

Wizards v. Pacers: The car is still boring. The wizard still has magic. Pew pew. Washington advances.

76ers v. Celtics: This is an interesting one. While the founders of our nation were not Irish, and in fact held racial animosity towards the Irish in many ways, the Irish truly had the last life when they immigrated by the millions over the next century. While everyone alive in 1776 is now dead. Through a long battle of attrition, Boston advances.

The finals of the Eastern Conference is Wizards v. Celtics: This is a really tough one to call. On one hand, the Irish can be wizards. I'm sure there are famous Irish wizards I can't remember right now. If there are Irish wizards do they get to fight on the side of the Celtics or the Wizards? It's a tough call. The Celtics have relied on their hunting and immigration numbers in past battles, but that won't do much against magic. The wizards have been around for centuries as well and I'm sure they can hunt just as well if not better than the Irish. Even if I give the Celtics their hunting tools and years to plan, the Wizards have magic and that's hard to overcome. Washington advances.

Western Conference

Houston Rockets v. Minnesota Timber Wolves: Timber wolves are awesome because it's basically a name for many kinds of wolves that live in forested areas and all wolves are awesome. They are similar to the raptors we talked about earlier, but less dangerous. They hunt in packs. They have scary eyes. They're they whole package. However, Rockets are huge and scary. I don't need to determine if these are rockets that transport people to space or if they are rockets more similar to torpedoes. Either way, they win this fight. Rocket propelled missiles will blow up all of the timber wolves. The technology is so advanced nowadays it will make targeting them that much easier. Houston advances.

Oklahoma City Thunder v. Utah Jazz: I am not convinced that the state of Utah has ever heard Jazz music as the name came from the team starting in New Orleans. That being said, Jazz takes the match against the Thunder. Thunder is a powerful force but can't be controlled or directed in any credible way. Also, how do you defeat something like music? You could try to destroy radio stations and recording studios that make jazz, but then you face the problem of Thunder being hard to control. It's a tenuous explanation, but Utah advances.

Portland Trailblazers v. New Orleans Pelicans: I'm still salty that New Orleans chose the Pelicans as their name when one of the finalists was The Swamp Dogs. I mean, come on. As for this fight, Pelicans aren't the most powerful birds, although my bother-in-law was once bit by a pelican as a kid. Trailblazers are much more formidable than a child. By definition, they are the forerunners of expeditions and go on adventures all the time. I'm sure they have dealt with much more dangerous animals. In a fight, they would take down every pelican. Portland advances.

Golden State Warriors v. San Antonio Spurs: This is sad. San Antonio is a wonderful team and city. But they are part of a boot. Golden State Advances.

As the bracket continues, that sets up a fight between the Houston Rockets and the Utah Jazz. Take everything I already said about how it's hard to destroy music, but now you CAN aim destruction towards recording studios and radio stations. It might take awhile, but the rockets would slowly destroy everything making Jazz music. At least enough to make it barely noticeable. Houston advances.

Portland Trailblazers v. Golden State Warriors: The trailblazers were tough dudes. It takes a lot to venture into uncharted territories and live to tell the tale. However, they weren't trained to fight. Warriors are. It's unclear what kind of warriors we are dealing with, but if I imagine just a generic warrior I usually think of a Spartan. Put a group of Spartans against rough and tough explorers and I think your money has to be put on the warriors. Golden State advances.

The Western Conference Finals is exactly the same as it happened in real life. Houston Rockets v. Golden State Warriors. However, this time, human warriors have no chance against rocket propelled space craft and missiles. Not many things do. The warriors will try to hide and maybe try to disable the rockets, but I don't imagine the warriors have much in the way of technical skills. Houston advances to the finals.

THE NBA FINALS

Houston Rockets v. Washington Wizards. Come on, are you telling me you wouldn't love to see this fight in real life? Old school v. New School. Humans v. Technology. Beards v. Steel. It's got everything! I believe the Wizards take this fight. This is the hardest battle the Rockets have had to deal with, and I think the series goes to 7 games, but the Wizards have magic that I'm sure I can't even fathom. They could turn rockets into butterflies or phase through them when they hit. The fact that I can't even imagine what they can do gives them the advantage.

Say congratulation to your TRUE 2018 NBA Champions...the Washington Wizards!