Defeatable!

I know that I am not alone among you, in that I find myself often listening to podcasts. Whether they are keeping me mentally engaged during my commute or preventing me from having a single original thought while walking my dog, podcasts have become a fixture in my daily life. Of all the podcasts I listen to, one fine serialized audio recording finds its way to the top of my queue whenever a new episode is released:

This podcast is hosted by full-time game designer, part-time writer Ed Turner and full-time writer, part-time game designer Matt Youngmark. (Their words, not mine.) Of course, you know them best as the World's Greatest Champions. This podcast details how they maintain their supremacy, honing their fighting prowess by picking fights with three unsuspecting targets each episode. They have been my idols ever since attaining the title of World's Greatest Champions. They have been my inspiration, but as the time-honored trope goes, my unrequited admiration degenerated into jealousy. I no longer want to merely take my place alongside them, but usurp them. I will become the World's Greatest Champion, and I alone!

In order to prevail, I must defeat them at their own game. That's right, dear reader, you are about to witness the defeat of the Undefeatable! (In text form!)

I have studied their ways, and I know that the first thing that I must do is spend an arbitrary (but probably inadequate) amount of time preparing for battle. First, I must identify my targets' strengths and weaknesses. First, their strengths:

Starting with the obvious, they are the World's Greatest Champions. They are the best at fighting. This ties directly into their other title: Undefeatable. They have never lost a fight, and in fact it may be the case that losing a fight is an impossibility for them.

Another strength is that they always choose the time and place of their fights. They use every aspect of the setting to their advantage, determining the best possible moment in spacetime to ensure their victory.

Next we have the fact that there are two of them. There are times when they fight two-on-two, but more often they team up against a solo foe. This will also be the case when I take them on, and their track record shows that they will not relinquish their numbers advantage in the name of a "fair fight."

The last advantage they both share is that of unnatural stature. They are both quite tall. I have spent some time with Mr. Turner years ago, and can attest to his towering frame, and from listening to the podcast I gather that Matt's height is as impressively lofty.

The final advantage belongs to only one of the Champions. In their latest test of strength, Matt was actually killed (briefly). Fortunately, he returned as a creature of the night. He is now a vampire, so I will have to deal with the challenges accompanying that transformation in addition to all the rest.

Now for weaknesses. They have few, but they do exist! First of all, they are overconfident. The fact that they claim to be Undefeatable, and have in fact never faced defeat, means that they will be wholly unprepared for it when it does arrive. They will assume that victory for them is assured, and that will result in their downfall.

Their second weakness is that they rely on combat conventions of role-playing games. For every move they, or their opponents, make, they make a die roll. Eventually, their luck will run out, and all I need to do is allow for enough opportunities for them to critically fail!

Finally, possibly their greatest weakness is that they are fathers of young children. As a father myself, I know all too well the sleep deprivation and general exhaustion that comes along with this life, and I will use it to my advantage.

Time to strike! I will take away one of their primary advantages by choosing the time and location myself. I choose to rent a camper and park it outside of Ed Turner's residence in the wee hours of the morning, about 4:00. Undoubtedly, he has had to deal with some middle-of-the night predicament, such as his son demanding a drink, or needing to be consoled after a nightmare. He will be restless and unprepared for an early morning challenge! Matt is also there for some reason.

I know that they are unscrupulously willing to threaten the loved ones of their quarry, so I will not be above such tactics. "Edward!" I declare loudly, upon my rented megaphone, "I have replaced your son with a lifelike simulacrum! Your true son is here, in my rented camper! You must defeat me in battle should you wish to lay eyes upon him again!" Of course, this is merely a bluff, for I have neither the technology nor the alchemical know-how to craft such a doppelgänger. I am counting on his state of unrest keeping him from intuiting my deception. I now roll for his ability to perceive truth, with a disadvantage due to his current mental state:

That was close! Were it not for my expert choice in attacking at this hour, he would have been able to see right through my ruse. As it is, he comes barreling out of his home, wearing comfortable pajamas and a night cap. Matt, follows close behind him, dressed with a black and red cape with a high collar. He seems to really be getting into this vampire thing. This is just as I had hoped, because as Ed chases me into the rented camper, Matt stops short. He can not enter my temporary living quarters, for he is a vampire, and I have not invited him in!

Ed is definitely in the camper, however, and in these tight quarters he towers over me. "Your son is safely asleep, Edward! I have fooled you! Now you have no choice but to battle until one of us yields!" He roars in response and attempts to tackle me.

An effective attack! I must avoid his tackle if I hope to defeat him.

CRITICAL SUCCESS!!

I use my short stature to my advantage, diving straight forward through his legs as he tumbles forward. These cramped quarters prove to be his undoing as he cracks his forehead on a decorative mirror behind me. He is nearly down for the count. I must deliver the coup de grace. I climb upon the nearest seat and attempt to jump squarely on his back.

Success! Probably concussed, and now with the wind knocked solidly from his lungs, he seems soundly defeated. On to his partner, helplessly waiting outside. I lift one of the rented camper's combination seat/storage locker and take out my bottle of holy water, a necklace adorned with garlic cloves, and a crucifix. After adorning the garlic necklace, and brandishing the crucifix, I step outside.

Stand back, night-walker! Behold the image of God's torture and demise! Yield, for you can not defeat me.

Despite my aggressive and effective threat, Matt laughs. "You must not have done your homework," he says, "or you would know that I am an atheist! That sigil holds no power over me!" Suddenly, and without warning, he uses his great, vampiric strength to swing a nearby canoe at me.

CRITICAL FAILURE!!

Thankfully, his grip on the canoe slips and he drops it squarely on his own foot! Quickly, I move to take advantage of the situation by throwing the bottle of holy water at him.

I uncork the bottle of holy water and throw it at him. My aim is not the best, but due to his stubbed toe, I manage to hit him with the open bottle. Much of the holy water spills all over him. He's all wet! Unfortunately, that's all that happens. I guess his immunity to the crucifix extends to holy water as well. The garlic is my last chance. I remove the necklace and attempt to shove several cloves in his face.

My aim in true, but he is now recovered from the stubbed toe. He attempts to knock the garlic from my hand.

I manage to rub garlic in his face for a second, but he soon manages to knock the necklace to the ground. I am disarmed! His blood-red tears drip from his irritated eyes as he prepares for his signature move. With both hands clasped above his head, he moves to deliver a deadly Kirk punch!

Even nearly blinded by the garlic, a fierce attack! I attempt to dodge.

Thanks to the garlic, the blow merely grazes my shoulder and I use my small size to my advantage to roll out of the way. Unfortunately, without my garlic necklace to protect me I am vulnerable to Matt's more deadly capabilities. He bares his teeth and lunges!

He is desperate and attacking wildly. Still, he is deadly and must not be taken lightly. I run back to the safety of the rented camper.

Safely aboard the rented camper, I see that the last stage of my plan has arrived. Off in the distance, the sun begins to peek above the horizon. "You're too late Matt! Dawn has come! Yield, or become dust in the unyielding glare of daylight!"

"Nay!" comes a bellowing voice from the back of the rented camper. I turn to see Ed, slowly rising to his imposing full height. "This camper is rented, and therefore not anyone's permanent residence. Matt may enter at his pleasure." Matt smiles at the sudden revelation, fangs glimmering in the pre-dawn twilight. He slowly steps into the rented camper. I find myself unarmed and dwarfed by the two Champions. The two who are truly Undefeatable.

"I Yield."

Truly remarkable. As prepared as I was, I was not able to become the new World's Greatest Champion. There is only one thing to do now. I must become a guest on their podcast. I must, at least once, fight at their side.